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What Is Your Fat Protecting You From? |

What is your fat protecting you from?

overweight-teen One thing I have learned through this process is how my fat has become like a security blanket warmly wrapping around my body and essentially keeping me hidden from the world. For years I have successfully lived a life of a nomad meaning I have learned to use my fat as  weapon to not get close to anyone. It had gotten so bad that I actively go through my life not looking people in the eyes for fear that they might start a conversation with me.

Even though I hated the fact that  I was overweight, the truth was in some way it had become like a security blanket to me. What I mean by this is that I because I was fat or obese it was an easy excuse for me to not develop conversations with people and to keep people at arms length away. No matter how much we want to deny it or sugar coat it, in today’s society we almost automatically judge people by their appearance. We say that we don’t but the truth is, even if you don’t want to we all judge people based on their looks. Because of this I used this to my advantage I figured no one would want to get know the real me, because I was overweight and my hair and make up wasn’t done.

A stranger off the street looking at me just saw a “Fat, ugly, woman” who probably disgusted them, and they probably turn their heads away in disgust. The others would snicker and laugh and point their fingers to their friends in a obvious fashion. What people didn’t know is that they were looking at a woman whom felt completely isolated from everyone, alone, scared, and frightened. A woman who would close her eyes at night and say a prayer to God to please let her see another day for her girl’s sake. A woman who would cry all the time from the extreme loneliness she felt.

As the weight is coming off I am starting to feel like a butterfly emerging from her dusty and worn out cocoon, ready to spread her wings and explore her new world. But the other issue I am always dealing with is with each pound that comes off I am trying to really push myself to deal with all those feelings that got me here in the first place. Down the road I don’t want to look back and feel regret and gain all my weight back because I did not deal with the core issues that got me here, or as I like to call them my skeletons in my closet.

After much thinking about this process and my goal of always being brutally honest with everyone I will share some of my skeletons in my closets in the future that I am dealing with. The reason I am doing this is that getting healthy and getting a healthy life back takes work, it is not all exercise and eating well it is the mental stuff that got us into that deep dark hole in the first place. It may not be pretty but the bottom line if you are overweight your fat is hiding something, whether it be your past, or secrets, or just tons of hurt. Every access pound on our body got here because we choose to eat our pain away, so each pound on our body is actually filled with our hurt and pain and tears. When we start to shed this weight it is like opening a deep wound and letting those tears out, and we have to deal with them and not by eating our feelings.

Some of my skeletons I am dealing with currently are:

  • Giving a daughter up for adoption and going through this process alone with no support
  • Living with an abusive alcoholic husband
  • Being date raped in my early twenties
  • Having a abusive mother that was verbally and emotionally abusive to me (She has since passed away)
  • Losing my Mother whom I was never able to have a healthy relationship with
  • Being told my whole childhood I was nothing and worthless and then marrying a man who said the same thing

Each of these things have left emotional gaping holes in who I am, and I not sharing these things to get sympathy or expect you to treat me differently. I am sharing these things to prove a point, we are all hiding a mountain of pain behind our weight and if we don’t deal with it properly, it will consume us for the rest of our lives. No longer do I want to be a person who plants a fake smile on my face and then just goes through life acting like nothing bothers me, and everything is fine. From now on I want to be the person who YES had a hard life, but she is stronger because of the life I have lead.

A friend of mine recently asked me when she knew I was dealing with all the emotional stuff if I had thought of quitting that it was too hard to deal with. My answer is “No” because my whole life has been a series of me quitting things. Especially if what I was doing would somehow help me, I had always put myself last and others before me. But now slowly I am learning that I have to be selfish and put myself first, and set a example for my girls. Hopefully they see how hard I am working, and fighting to find this person I am becoming and will be proud of me.

So when you look in that mirror and you see those extra pounds you might be storing on your body, think to yourself what story do those extra pounds carry? What secrets or hurt are they hiding and not allowing you to move forward. We have to deal with the whole picture the exercise, the food and the mental health in order to truly be healthy and happy.

 

 

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About Angie

Single Mom of two girls on a journey to get healthy by losing weight and learning to love herself again!

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